water drips into the crevasses of the mind
as ants crawl onto my brain,
nibbling little chunks of grey matter.
ready to carry it back to the nest.
the sadness over her absence keeps me company
like an angry child wanting to go out and play
on a rainy day.
thunder roars somewhere nearby,
giving me the illusion of something bigger than myself.
the absence of this one.....
the absence of this one hurts....
it hurts in the pit of my stomach
it hurts at the bottom of my throat.
this one.
this one nurtured me;
this one looked after me;
this one spoke to me like I mattered in a world of occasionally chaotic routine;
this one lived life in intervals of her children; all her children;
this one watched basil grow and tea leaves dry.
while her heart grew only to die
The grayness of her hair...
so gray it was blue;
was frosting on top of a legacy of the era of her youth
the era of perms, station wagons, disco, and roller skating.
the pain of a diminishing heart caused anger
anger that manifested as jabs to those she loved
to those with a lack of absence to make the heart grow fonder.
her husband, the guardian of all that is quiet,
sat in the shadow of blindness....
with a patience that would rival a 1000 year old turtle
a turtle the size of a pyramid.
As she lay dying on the hospital bed;
her heart kept beating only by an impromptu pace maker
clinging to her heart like a tick
her children and children’s children stand around her
holding her hand
her still healthy brain; trapped in a body gone bad;
fires synapses of 82 years lived
what thoughts she has
nobody knows
her iodine soaked feet poke out of the sheet
tears and snot of those standing fall to the hospital floor
I try not to cry
but there is no controlling it
i can’t stop the pain
the loss, the loss of my mom
not of blood, but of life
we have to let this one go
I have to let this one go
alone in my thoughts
no more talking
she’s sleeping now
no....
she is no more
only in our thoughts,
our memories
the absence of this one hurts....
some pain can never go away.
